Five Amazing Things I learned After Being Ghosted (at My 29th Birthday)

Summer Y.L. Yanyi Li
At my 29th Birthday, I Was ghosted.

If you read my confession article about my love life and maturity journey, The RightGentlemen and the Wrong girl (No More), you know my love life has been fairly easy and I have been spoiled by good men. But I actually hadn’t had my fair shares yet until my 29th birthday. I’ve been probably one of the most fortunate women I have known of in terms of dating: I only have had high-value men in my life, and they are Alpha male who embrace integrity with real class. For 29 years, I didn’t even know the world Ghost existed, until now.

Yes, that’s right. I was ghosted on my 29th birthday. Like most people who are ever been ghosted, my initial feeling was to doubt and criticize myself – what did I do wrong to cause this heartbroken situation? What dd I do wrong to make him disappear? Then I got angry, why and how could he just vanish on me. Then it came to my introspective stage as who I have always been. Probably unlike most of the ghosting episodes, he didn’t disappear from my calls or texts. Because I didn’t text him since the last time I saw him. But I know he was supposed to contact me if he wasn’t a ghost.

I’m too old to be confused, and too old to lie to myself. For any kind of relationships, it’s about the fair value of exchange. If he doesn’t like me, it means that I can not provide the value he’s seeking in his life or at this moment. But, it doesn’t mean that I’m not valuable. As a high-value woman, I have so much to offer. But it has to be with the right fit at the right time.

And trust me, it wasn’t this easy when it first happened. I’m not pretending how strong and careless I am. I was bruised and disgusted. It hurts my ego and my pride. It brought my self-esteem and self-worth down. It gave me self-doubt. I was self-criticizing for weeks. I had tears here and there. But here are the five amazing things I got out of it:

Summer Y.L. Yanyi Li
1. Stay honest with yourself

Not everyone has to like me. Getting rejections hurts, but you can also learn from it.

Summer Y.L. Yanyi Li

2. My value doesn’t change based on others’ behaviors or attitudes

Some people may find that you are not valuable to them, but it doesn’t reflect how valuable you are.

Summer Y.L. Yanyi Li

3. You don’t have to depend on others for the closure

Morally, the ghost did nothing wrong. We can never force someone to like ourselves. If he is not interested, he doesn’t care how you feel. But you can always get closure from yourself. When you have the power, you don’t need to give your power to others.

Summer Y.L. Yanyi Li

4. I turned into a woman from a girl

I have ghosted many great gentlemen in the past. And I didn’t realize what an awful style it was until I got ghosted. When I was a ghost, I didn’t care how my behavior affected others’ feelings. I was so selfish, and I was a coward. After being ghosted, I learned how to have the capability to communicate and express myself to the gentlemen. They deserve a proper response. And as a lady, I need to do the gentlemen’s honor.

Summer Y.L. Yanyi Li

5. It tells me so much about who he is

As I couldn’t emphasize enough, it’s totally cool to not like me in a romantic way, because chemistry can’t be forced. And I know why people choose to ghost as I was a ghost before. Usually, it’s because they feel the pressure to like you back or they get to freak out because they think you want to get serious when they aren’t ready. Or simply, because they were never interested in you (although they went on a few dates with you). As a real gentleman with real class, he should have the manner and capability to communicate and express himself properly to you, instead of ghosting you.

Summer Y.L. Yanyi Li

I started to write this article a month ago, and I didn’t finish. Because I was afraid to publish an article too personal like this. But today, I wanted to finish it up and share with everyone here. And I’m not afraid that people will read it, and maybe my future boyfriend will read it one day, too. I’m so proud of myself learning from this brief unpleasant episode, and I can see positivity in every negative episode. I also think I need it because it taught me to become more sensitive and more caring. It made me a better woman overall. And I have made peace with myself and forgive him already. I have never liked people who are not worth my time and energy. And it’s been aways clear that I don’t like people who don’t have class and who are selfish.

And I hope life can bring happiness and joy to him, because I’m still at my best now matter how the other party is. And I’m an real lady with real class 😉

Xo,

S

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Summer

Hi, I'm Summer 言奕. I'm a NYC based Chinese Globetrotter with friendships and network in more than 20 different countries. I'm attracted to international cultures and peoples. I can play chess better than Chinese chess, and I'm an avid Argentine Tango social dancer. Please always hit me up if you'd like to dine together or go to a show :)